Blind Spots that Impact our Relationships
The road to navigating relationships is rarely a straight line path. When we bump up against different personalities and familiar dynamics, often our unresolved hurts from the past can surface. The way we react in these moments serve as defence mechanisms, making it more difficult to find and sustain meaningful connection.
Defence mechanisms come up often as a topic in therapy. We look at them closely because they are an important piece to understanding how we relate to the world around us, especially the people within our circle.
Defence mechanism are ways we protect ourselves from real or perceived threats. Often, it is an attempt to feel “in control” and keep vulnerability at arm’s length.
The goal is never to get rid of them because they are vital in helping us survive and overcome certain situations.
BUT, our defences can become a hammer that sees everything as a nail. There comes a point in our journey when we outgrow our protective shells and react to the present moment through the lens of past pain.
We are shaped by our life history including experiences that overwhelmed us. Our bodies can hold implicit memories we aren’t consciously aware of, like the tension we feel in certain settings without knowing why. These reactions are echoes of how we adapted in order to survive our environment.
Picture an iceberg: at the top are the ways we react to others, while beneath the surface lies what has influenced these responses (this is known as the iceberg model in psychology). Everything below the water represents our subconscious patterns aka our blind spots.
So, how can we address our defence mechanisms? It’s important to build self awareness and begin identifying how you commonly respond to others in your life. By building awareness, we can connect the dots and deepen our understanding of our patterns and what lives below our own iceberg.
Common defence mechanisms:
Intellectualizing – Using logic to avoid exposing our vulnerability.
We maintain a birds eye view communicating through an overly analytical lens to stay detached from our feelings.
Minimizing – Downplaying pain to make it seem more manageable.
We brush things off as “not that bad” or “other people have it worse” as a way to shield ourselves from the reality of our struggles.
People Pleasing – Appeasing others to prevent conflict from brewing.
We say yes, accommodate, or overextend ourselves to keep the peace or avoid the thought of disappointing others.
Perfectionism – Chasing an impossible standard to avoid feeling unworthy.
We fixate on how well we need to perform due to a belief that “if we get it all right”, we’ll finally be good enough.
Hyper-Independence – Rejecting help to avoid feeling vulnerable.
We convince ourselves we can handle everything alone because we believe it is not safe to trust others.
Compartmentalizing – Suppressing conflicting feelings to feel in control.
We tuck our emotions into boxes, isolating vulnerable sides of ourselves to manage overwhelming experiences.
Over Explaining – Providing excessive details to justify ourselves.
We search for the perfect words to prove ourselves and avoid being judged, rejected, or misunderstood.
Sarcasm – Using humour to deflect discomfort.
We use sharp wit as an armour hoping no one will see what actually hurts.
Projection –Shifting uncomfortable emotions onto others.
We make assumptions, assign blame, and deflect, reacting to others instead of facing what’s unresolved within ourselves.
Displacement – Redirecting emotions to a less threatening target.
We hold it together in one place, then snap at someone else because confronting the actual source feels too risky.
Numbing– Shutting down emotions to avoid overwhelm.
We scroll, binge, or stay busy to fill the silence and avoid what lingers within us.
Dissociating – Detaching from ourselves to escape overwhelm.
We zone out, check out, mentally drift, and feel out of body in response to reminders of stressful past events.
If you found yourself surprised with your own defence mechanisms, know that you aren’t alone. I was reminded of some of my own tendencies while writing this post. It’s natural to be unaware of our defences because they tend to operate subconsciously.
The Road to Addressing Defences Mechanisms
If you are working on improving your relationships, it’s important to be curious about how you are showing up. One of the most eye-opening adventures you can take without a plane ticket is to look beneath the surface and learn more about your inner world.
Which connections feel safe?
“We are wounded in relationships, and we heal through relationships.” – Gabor Mate
This is known as relational healing. For healing to happen, these relationships must feel safe. It can be hard to find safe spaces when we feel isolated. A good starting point is seeking a therapist, support group, or other communal spaces that resonate with you.
What feels safe for you? Do you feel safe opening up in this space? Take time to reflect and honour your need for safety. It’s okay to go at a pace that works for you.
Be Honest with Yourself
One of the most liberating, yet challenging, things we can do is be honest with ourselves. But when we tap into self-honesty, we become more accountable in our relationships. The most profound shifts I witness in session often happen when the incredible person in front of me is being real with themselves. When we allow ourselves to be honest, we also reclaim our agency and personal power.
Leaning into Relational Healing
Finding alignment within relationships is a transformative journey of belonging and healing. Our inner work has the potential to evolve our emotional depth and pave the way for both new and liberating possibilities in our relationships.
I know it is possible, having done this inner work and continuing to do so. It has brought so much more meaningful connection, love and joy into my life, and one of the reasons why I became a therapist was to cultivate a healing space for others to find belonging too.
Wherever you are on your journey, you’re not alone.
Feel free to connect if you are looking for a supportive space to find relational healing.
With care,
Rachel
