How Attachment Style Shows Up in Relationships

We all have tendencies to react in certain ways in our relationships – sometimes leaving us feeling stuck, confused, or disconnected. These reactions are often unconscious patterns tucked away in our blind spots, leaving us unsure why we do what we do. This is where understanding your attachment style can offer clarity, especially as we navigate the many relationships in our lives.

What Is Attachment Style?

Your attachment style reflects how you relate and respond to others in close relationships. Perhaps you may notice a familiar feeling of anxiety when a person pulls away and doesn’t message back, or found yourself wanting to creating emotional distance when someone is wanting to get closer.

Our attachment styles are shaped by early childhood experiences with our caregivers and are tested when we feel vulnerable, stressed, or emotionally threatened in some way. Cultural influences, family dynamics, and past relationships also play a role.

For those of us grappling with BIPOC identity and immigrant histories, the ways we learned to connect, protect ourselves, or suppress our needs were often shaped by generational survival, unspoken expectations, and the pressure to belong — all of which can deeply influence how attachment shows up in our present-day relationships.

The first step in healing and strengthening your relationships is identifying your attachment style. Here are the four attachment styles:

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
  Feeling a constant need for reassurance, often fearing that your partner will leave or withdraw. This typically arises when caregivers were inconsistent with their support. People with this style often have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others.

• Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment:
  Keeping emotional distance, even when you care deeply. Intimacy may feel uncomfortable or overwhelming. This often develops from caregivers who were dismissive or emotionally unavailable, leading to a reliance on self-sufficiency. People with this style typically have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others.

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:
  Wanting closeness but feeling afraid of it, creating confusion and unpredictable behaviours in relationships. This stems from experiences with caregivers that were emotionally inconsistent or fearful, leaving a negative view of both themselves and others.

• Secure Attachment:
  Feeling comfortable with intimacy, trust, and respect in relationships. Those with this style have a positive view of both themselves and others.

How Attachment Style Shows Up in Our Relationships

Stress and conflict often bring an insecure attachment style to the surface. Do you feel anxious when your partner needs space? Or maybe you pull away when things get emotionally intense? These reactions aren’t random, they’re patterns formed from your past that show up when you’re triggered.

You can change these patterns. By paying attention to your reactions during difficult moments, you can begin to shift them toward healthier responses.

Shifting Your Attachment Style

Once you recognize your attachment style, you can start to challenge the automatic responses that no longer serve you. Here’s how to begin:

• Notice your reactions: When conflict arises, pause and reflect on how you typically react. Do you cling, withdraw, or shut down emotionally? Just recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them.

• Practice self-soothing: If anxiety comes up in relationships, try grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or focusing on self-compassion. Remind yourself that you deserve love and connection, even when things feel uncertain.

• Communicate with empathy: Your partner has their own attachment style, so approach them with understanding. Share your feelings openly and listen to theirs. Creating a space for mutual support helps both of you grow together.

Building Healthier Relationships

It takes time to heal attachment wounds and move towards a more inner security. There may be uncomfortable truths that arise in the process, which can be helpful to work through in a safe space such as support groups, individual counsellor, or couples counselling. With patience in the process, awareness, and ongoing support, it is possible to build deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

Even the smallest steps can be meaningful. Take things one step at a time, one moment at a time. Growth is a non-linear journey, and each moment you spend befriending your attachment style supports stronger communication and healthier dynamics in your relationships.

If you’re looking for an open, non-judgemental space to understand yourself, your attachment style, and process you relationships, I’d be honoured to hear from you. You’re welcome to book a 20-minute chat to explore if working together feels right for you.

With warmth,
Rachel