Breaking Free from People Pleasing Patterns
As a former people pleaser, I understand just how overwhelming it can be to overcome the hurdles of habitually pleasing others. Many of us go decades unaware of our tendencies and overcoming these ingrained patterns can seem like a mountain to climb.
People pleasing forms as an automatic response that occurs on a subconscious level.
When considering fight-flight-freeze responses, where our nervous system reacts automatically to perceived threats, there is another type of response known as ‘fawn,’ which involves people-pleasing behaviours. This happens in response to interpersonal threats, where we react by accommodating others to avoid potential harm.
Externally, we may try to defuse conflict by appeasing others, obeying requests to mitigate the risk of others becoming upset, or censoring ourselves out of fear of how others may perceive us.
Internally, overwhelming thoughts, feelings and beliefs can emerge when we are in people-pleasing mode, such as an intense sense of guilt and shame or the complete suppression of emotions.
Common Beliefs that Drive People Pleasing:
- “It’s my job to keep the peace and make everyone happy.”
- “If I don’t do what others want, they will be disappointed.”
- “If I say something, people will leave me.”
- “I must avoid conflict at all costs.”
- “If someone is upset, it’s my responsibility to fix it.”
- “Saying no means I am selfish.”
- “Everything is my fault.”
Losing Ourselves in People Pleasing Patterns
The cost of repeatedly appeasing others is that we can become accustomed to self-abandonment, where we reject, suppress, or ignore our own needs.
It’s important to acknowledge the origins of our inner people pleaser. It is common to develop people pleasing patterns in a dysfunctional family dynamic, where we learn to defuse conflict and establish stability through service. This often results in assuming the role of the family caretaker, peacemaker, or mediator. This can further evolve into associating our self-worth with how well we serve others as a way to establish a sense of approval, acceptance, and security.
While people pleasing can serve a vital role in meeting our basic needs during childhood, there is a cost to carrying these patterns into our adult lives. We may notice ourselves reenacting the role of the ‘giver’ in different relationships, gradually losing touch with ourselves and paving the way for codependency, and feeling burdened with resentment, overwhelm, and burnout.
Strategies to Overcome People Pleasing
Building Self-Awareness
The first step to positive change is to build awareness of your own people-pleasing patterns. Notice the ways you tend to put others before yourself and what triggers this reaction. Some examples of triggers include avoiding conflict, avoiding feeling guilt, or fearing the thought of seeing others angry or disappointed.
A positive aspect of this practice is that individuals with people-pleasing tendencies often possess skills for introspection. They are typically skilled listeners and observers, with a keen eye for detail and the ability to read the room. By granting ourselves permission to use these skills inwardly, we can begin to learn about ourselves by attuning to our inner experiences. This builds the foundation of self-awareness, which is an important first step toward healing.
Developing a New Toolkit
Once we become mindfully aware of our patterns, we can explore empowered ways to cope with difficult situations, such as conflict. Working with a counsellor who understands people pleasing can provide support in learning tools, resources, and healthier ways to respond.
It is important to be patient and kind with yourself as you embark on this journey. Keep in mind that patterns stemming from childhood have taken years to develop, so change does not happen overnight. While it can take time to unlearn what no longer serves us and introduce healthier practices, this work can be life changing.
If you are interested in working together, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
With care,
Rachel
